Chinese Puzzle

The title is so only because I saw the movie today. It was okay. I am not sure if this sequel was needed. My friend who had suggested the first movie of the series was here last night, and we were supposed to watch it together. We ended up drinking a lot and I don’t remember most of the last night. We have also planned a trip to Europe this year, before he gets married. He is going to get engaged to his girlfriend and I am excited! Anyway, we started watching the movie today morning, and it showed Isabelle and Xavier’s friendship, and my friend said very innocently, that that’s how he imagines our friendship to be. Him, a straight guy and me, a lesbian, who are like best buddies. I just kept staring at him in disbelief. I told him that I am not a lesbian. He was trying to hook me up with guys last night in the bar, but he and my other stupid guy friend did not know that they needed to back off for guys to come anywhere near me. My friend kept insisting that I am a lesbian, and I told him that I have given it a complete thought, and I am sure that I am not. I have met some amazing girls in my life, and I would have known had I been a lesbian. But I told him that if it’s that important for him that I be a lesbian, I will give it another serious thought once my work visa in the US gets sorted.

The problem is something I haven’t told anyone really. Nice Guy is probably the nicest guy I have known in my life. He definitely likes me. I like him too, but I just cannot bring myself to feel anything more for him. I don’t understand why, but I keep comparing it to how I felt for The Guy. It was a void where only I was present, and nothing ever existed. It was all crazy imagination, but I just cannot seem to feel that way for Nice Guy, how much ever nice and real he is. I have a feeling that I cannot probably feel that way for anyone now, and that’s fine by me. I am not going to force myself or rush into things. I just can’t do this to the Nice Guy. He deserves better. It’s like a Catch 22 situation for me, though. Now all this is complex, and I don’t want to explain this to my friend who thinks I am a lesbian.

Anyway, I have other things to worry about. Chinese Puzzle reminded me that I need to do something about my writing. After all, my writing had a lot to do with me getting my current internship. When I told them that writing was my passion, they wanted to see it. I told them that I had been writing for long, but my blog was new and would have a few posts (The very reason why I had started the blog was to show to people something, when I told them that writing is my passion). They read the blog and liked it, but I also told them about this blog. Of course I did not give the link, but told them that I had been maintaining it anonymously for some years now. The interviewer asked me why I would start with another blog, when I already had one. I told her that anonymous was more personal, and I wanted something for my professional passions, where I could be equally open and opinionated about things. It is about me as a person out in the world full of markets. She smiled loudly at my explanation.

Anyway, giving my writing more serious thoughts now, I can see where I am going wrong. I always used to have a personal diary. I stopped after people started getting curious about what’s in it. It landed me in some of the worst situations of my life. I started maintaining an e-diary. It was also the time, where having that e-diary kept me sane, and going back to it kept me afloat, and always aware of the realities around me. It was my best friend, and that is where I learned how not to ever lose sight of realities. I stopped though, some months after I had this blog. I guess that was one of my biggest mistakes. I need to get back to pen and paper diary, because that’s my favourite form of writing. Also, this blog should be strictly about writing. I have in the recent past updated my daily mundane happenings in this, which is fine as long as it is above average writing, or something requiring written confirmation, so I may execute it. I need a diary, for sure. It will help me develop my writing, and thinking too. That way, I would not have to worry about writer’s block too. I can just write a couple of things and go to sleep. I have one very pretty diary with me, that my best friend gifted me with when I was coming here. She somehow always knew what I needed. For now, I will make all the posts on this blog private, that are more diary-like. Posts with songs will have to stay. I need to respect this blog, and use the right platforms the right way, to make me a better writer. This would be my last and only visible diary-like post here on the blog.

See you when I have something nice to share 🙂

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