Dreams Made of Stars

I said to her – you are my flower, my diamond.

She said to me – you are my galaxy.


We wrote down our dreams on a piece of paper. In our favourite restaurant – Candies. There was a cat there, walking around us. She was scared of them, and so she propped up her feet on the chair. I love cats, so I wanted to call her to pet her. But I shooed her away. Then we continued writing our dreams on a piece of paper.


Sketches and Books and TV

where do the children play

I showed this sketch to my mom and she started reminiscing her childhood, and told me her stories, that I have heard so many times before, and never got bored of. I showed it to my father, and he asked me if I needed to be sent new colours. I told him that I have called for new colours and brushes. I am broke as hell, but what the hell.

I finished reading two books. The devotion of suspect X, and Heartburn. But reviews go to the other blog, which I have decided for now will only be about my writing.

I had delayed watching the last two episodes of Breaking Bad. I did not want it to end. I finished watching it yesterday. I could not stop crying. I cried and cried. For it has now ended, and my life seems purposeless now. For how it ended; there could have been no better way to end it. And how it ended with one of my favourite songs!

I yearn to see true love stories around me. But it’s not easy to find all this. One of my professors speaks about his wife of 27 years very fondly, and I listen to him with a smile. He calls her an angel, god-sent. I see my parents’ love for me. My brother’s new-found love – his cute girlfriend whom he wants to marry. My friend’s love for her 2-month old son. It warms up my heart. The books I read, the movies I watch, they may not be true, but the creator has felt it, has got the inspiration from somewhere. It’s all beautiful. Just because of love.

Speaking of Generalizations

Ahem!…A little warning that it is mostly going to be a random kind of reading (like most of anything else)

I have always hated generalizations, of almost all sorts. I do not believe when someone says:

1. Well, you are getting involved with a woman. It’s of course going to be complicated.

2. Well, what do you expect when you are not dating an Asian? That person can break up with you any time.

3. Well, he is a guy. He is an asshole. All men are dogs.

4. Well, how can you read a woman’s mind?

5. Well, he is French, and in-your-face.

6. Well, he is a European, and he can have casual sex and not get involved.

May be some of them are true to an extent. But the reasons that I hate such generalizations are more than because they are just untrue.These generalizations are used by people who don’t want the responsibility of dealing with individuals. They want to leave things to generalizations, act smug, and fit themselves into good categories of such generalizations. It’s beyond me when people throw around such words as a woman being complex and crazy, a man being an asshole, an Asian being emotional, and so on. It’s vain, demeaning, narrow.

Though, there are some generalizations that I have noticed around me. They are true, only to me. They are my plain observations, and of course, there are many exceptions. Here are some:

1. In one of my classes, I am the only Indian, and the rest are mostly Chinese, and some Americans. There is one Greek, one Thai, and one Moroccan too. But being the only Indian puts me in a sweet spot many times, because it’s a class about psychology, and everyone is amazed and awed about Indian stuff. They ask me questions that bore me, because I have to go to great lengths to explain to them that what they see in the videos is not what represents India. It’s so diverse, that no Indian can really put it in a nutshell and explain it.

2. Next thing, in the same class, some Chinese girls almost always give presentations where they show how powerful China is getting, how they are number 1 here, number one there. In the charts, they show the US too, and it basically shows how US is way behind, and kind of dumb. I sip my tea whenever my eyes widen. The American girls make faces at all this and I can sense the discomfort in the environment. I sometimes feel that may be it’s just me, and it’s a class where people share things. But I cannot be wrong about such observations always. These American girls also look at each other when a Chinese mispronounces an English word. Again, may be it’s just me trying to read too much between the lines, because nobody else seems to be noticing these things. But come on! The whole point is – it’s not about Americans or Chinese. May be most American women talk behind your backs, and most Chinese women love to gossip (even inside toilets, across the walls…that’s again an observation), but these generalizations have more to do with women. Even when they are small, as girls, women are mean with the intention of being mean. They exactly know what they are doing. When men are mean, they usually are just being stupid and direct. They have no clue that it’s probably going to hurt someone.

3. When a guy asks out a girl, it’s usually either a yes, or a no. Direct. Plain. To the point. But when a girl asks out a guy, in most of the cases, the guy keeps the girl hanging, for whatever reasons. Almost always. They try to be diplomatic, they try “not to hurt”, they try to keep her just in case, they evaluate and measure, they test, blah blah blah.

4. There is no way that an Indian (or an Asian, for that matter) has more emotions when it comes to love, friendship, etc. than a person from some other country/continent.

5. I can touch upon a lot of chords if I have to speak about being proud of one’s country. I know who really is, who knows the facts, who pretends, who fakes, who really cares. It all boils down to individuality, history, how much you know about it, and how much of dirty facts about your country you are ready to embrace, along with the good things about her.

6. Women are not so much complex really. They talk a lot until they can, and then they stay silent. Most women are intuitive. These are generalizations, albeit mostly true. Why? Genetics. Since we can remember, women had to shut up, suffer, look after families, sacrifice, etc. This probably might have lead them to develop their senses, where they observe and have strong gut feelings about things. Also, a woman is generally accused of being conniving. It is not completely untrue, because when a woman has to act all clean and is suppressed, she finds ways to pleasure herself. Through conniving methods. It’s my personal observation. Not getting into the details, a small message is – don’t wait for a woman to go silent. Listen to her when she is talking.

7. Men are not assholes. They are selfish, just like any woman can be. They are confused, just like any human can be. When they are silent, it usually just means silence (in day-to-day situations) and has nothing to do with finer connotations of speech and silence.

Basically, genetics has to do with some generalizations here and there. But a human decides what s/he is. An individual is above any such generalization, and respect every individual, if you respect yourself for the person you are (and not just for what your sex, nationality, etc. is).

My God is Cool. It Lets me Do What I Want To.

Like always, lot of homework and a disease of the week make me think and meditate.

Late in the night, in the bus, my friend cribs. She talks about about “someone” picking her up from one city and throwing her into another, about not having a peaceful life, about faulty stars, about why she is being targeted by him (that “someone”). I try to make her understand. My problems are not very different from hers, it’s just that she does not know that they exist. Later I tell her that her only problem is that she won’t stop cribbing. But she does not stop. Then I start whistling “free bird”, because that is the song that is going on in the bus.

There is no good or bad, no karma. Oh yeah, that’s my understanding of things. You may do a hundred good things and zero bad things, and wonder why nothing good comes your way. Well, if you want a particular thing to come your way, work for it, and not toward other hundred unrelated good things. Your God is watching and knows that you have ulterior motives. Likewise, you see your archenemy and wonder why only good things happen to them. Well, they are probably smarter than you, and also know how to not crib and let the world know that they have problems.

Anyway, I think what you get boils down to two things – how stupid you are, and the odds associated with your stupidity. If you are smart, odds are in your favour. If you are stupid, odds are not in your favour. But then that is what odds are – probability (which many call luck). My God is watching me, and like me, it is cool with everything. It drinks beer, eats popcorn, and watches a movie as its created live. It also has a sarcastic sense of humour.

You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time. (That’s odds and stupidity.) – Abraham Lincoln

All your life you seek happiness, don’t you? Else you seek to know what is what. You seek to find that one thing that you believe in. You seek to fight your demons and fears. You fail, you get up, you crawl, you run, you stoop, you break, you walk backwards, you take shortcuts, you walk the path less travelled, you fly, you swim, you climb, you do what you choose to, what you want to.

The more you endure, the closer to truth you are. I may have reasons to cry, and say that I have endured, but if I have to cry I would rather cry for the others in the world, whose problems are much worse than mine. But I don’t care anymore. Not about my problems, not theirs. I don’t care about anything. Because there is nothing to care about.

One of those days when I hate human interaction of any kind. I hate people. I don’t even want to talk to anyone over phone or email. I do not want to watch a movie that has humans in it. I would watch cartoons may be, but even they are made by humans. I want to run away to a jungle and sleep under the sky, watching the stars, shivering in the cold wilderness. May be even die like that. That would be the most ideal death.

Because I do not care about cakes and lasagnas and job talks and tears and watsapp and what not.

PS: Oh yeah, I still care about music https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mx0xCI1jaUM