Staying alive

Foreword: Do not read

As I walk alone on the empty street late at night, I wonder if I am afraid of

The blackness behind the dense olive trees

The hooting of the night birds

The chirping of crickets

The whistling of the cool wind in my ears

The scared and scurrying hares and raccoons

A crescent moon which looks like it’s more than one

The red star

The purple sky

The possibility of a drunk loitering in the corner, beyond his wits

The sight of the scary truck at the end of the never-ending road

I walk fast. Not because I am afraid of any of these. I am afraid of dying of hunger after a ridiculous day.

Flashback – the morning is so good I can’t believe. My boss has expressed the desire that I continue working with her even after summer. She makes business plans with me, and I manage to convince her to pay me in cash here on, so that I do not have to pay my University more than I earn for a credit that is not going to add any value. I am more annoyed about the fact that I have to pay to earn. Simply ridiculous. She agrees, I count my monies, and am glad to make some calculations.

I have to pay my broker, a crook basically, who tapped very well onto my blonde moment. I give people too much benefit of the doubt, and I thought he was a really nice guy in a dirty business. Who was he? My relative? Best friend? Basically, I have to pay him a lot. Not his fault. Mine. Lesson learnt the hard way.

I had made a plan to visit my folks in the winter break, upon severe emotional blackmailing. I make a new plan to can that plan. I become a selfish bitch, because I don’t want to spend money on flight tickets to meet my folks who will feed me great food for two days, and after that very unscrupulously bore me to death with the talks of marriage. I know they have reached a stage where I can get any guy from anywhere, just a guy, but I am not in for that shit, and the best way to avoid that is to not go there. If we got to meet, they come to my den, here, and I show them around. Like a king.

I look at other expenses to be made, and am glad things are falling into place. I tick off a lot of things off my to-do list. I have started making peace with some other things, like knowing that some of the best things you feel, you feel them for yourself, in your imagination. Also, I start to work harder toward my dream, that one dream – bikini boutique, clothing line, sea, travel, cloudy dreamland. I cannot believe the satisfaction I am beginning to feel. It is scary. I tell myself – dudette, calm down. Remember what Bill Watterson taught you through Calvin and Hobbes? “That’s one of the remarkable things about life. It’s never so bad that it can’t get worse.” I get an email in some time – to pay to renew my fucking health insurance. Whoa! That is it. I have been sick for about two months now, and I have no clue why I am being made to pay so much for a fucking health insurance.

But life is not about surviving. It is about thriving. I don’t remember who said that, but someone did. It’s so for everyone, innit?

PS: The title is so, thanks to a friend who reminded me of this song, at the right time –


Managing Time, or Time Management

I have often heard people talk about managing time. More often than that, I have come across people writing about that; tips, tools, ways, habits to inculcate, to manage time. With my personal experience, I feel most of the help tips I came across lacked something very essential. Very very essential. The fact that time management goes hand in hand with project management. Also, some other things.

You have a to-do list, you probably even have a fancy digital version of something like that. You may be using a lot of time management tools – pen and paper, reminders on your emailing system, on your phone, sophisticated time management tools, etc. You are quick with your work, and you know very well how to balance quantity with quality. Does that suffice? Are you still working extra hours? Are you completing tasks, ticking them off, but finding yourself pressurized by the ticking hands of the clock? May be there is a reason for that. A lot of people working in management seem to manage their time too well – working, writing papers, attending seminars, speaking in public, taking out time for family, enjoying vacations, and still managing to look fresh. How do they do that?

Well, Prioritize is the word here. The keyword. If you have a to-do list, it needs to be such that you know what HAS to be taken care of today, and things that can wait. You need to have a good idea of what is unimportant, what is important, what is urgent, what is meh, and so on. Having a to-do list in a random order is fine. But if you are looking at ticking off those things in that order, it is only going to give you a false sense of achievement, and in the end you will still have that itch, as you keep tossing your head on your pillow. You will in most probability find yourself scrambling for time, for the most important tasks, because you subconsciously put them in the backburner, and made yourself happy with small accomplishments. A big hit on quality, and a compromise on quantity too.

Why am I talking about it? Because yesterday, I was reading a blogpost on a very famous blog site, that spoke about how to manage emails. It talked about having multiple inboxes, segmented. I started shaking my head vigorously sideways. It works well for many people, I agree, especially if you have a set of duties to perform, and you know what to expect. But it fails miserably for those who have to multi-task, for those who have to attend meetings, check emails, work, take out some free time to unwind, etc. At least, it did not work for me, a couple years ago, when I used to get around 150-200 emails in a day – from managers, colleagues, team members, newsletter subscriptions, developers, customers, etc. I was not even in the customer care department. I just happened to be in a very fast-paced, obnoxiously crazy team (I can use many other adjectives, but that will lead to me scratching the old wound). It is crazy, and you WILL miss out on important stuff.

The answer to this is. Have just one inbox. If you know you are going to get urgent emails, keep your email popup on at all times, and promise yourself that you will not get distracted. If you know that urgent things are not going to happen this season, keep the popup off, and schedule time to check emails. But, when you do check them, follow a system – delete whatever is crap, immediately. Reply, if that is what it needs and if you are not going to take too long to draft the email. If it can wait, and if it has to wait, keep it in your inbox. May be flag it. May be not. But if you are not doing anything important, just reply, and archive it. Delegate it, if that is what it needs. Delegate, get it off your way, so that the work is not halting. Archive it. If it is a piece of information, read it, archive it. If it is a newsletter, keep it in inbox until you can read it, or dump it in a folder where you collect jewels. But it is again a classic mistake, where you THINK you will read it when you have time, but that hardly ever happens. Better, let it stay in your inbox until you read it, and then either archive it, or put it in the jewel box if it’s really good. If someone has set a deadline for you, reply, and set deadlines for yourself. You know what works for you, and do not let anyone rule you, not even your boss. What I mean here is, if it is impossible to meet the deadline, tell them so, and tell them when they can expect the work done. If they have a problem, they will definitely take some other load off you, so that you can work on what is more important for them. If you cannot finish a job right away, reply with when they can expect a better reply, and do not archive is. The message is – take action on every email; have a clean inbox at all times.

Well, that was my simple system, still is, armed with just one reminder tool in my laptop. I do not trust my memory to remind me things, and anyway, I want to keep it free for more important things, and not for keeping tabs of dates and days and events. Reminders are invented for a very good reason. Also, I do not have reminder in my phone, primarily because I do not have a smart phone. Even when I had one, I avoided that, because I do not want the buzzing when I do not want it. If I am going out, I will check my calendar once well in advance and make sure there is nothing important that I am going to miss. When I am out, I am relaxing, and I am not going to let alarms and reminders buzz me to annoyance.

Why all this? To kill time. Got to go to work now, because I am meeting a friend in the evening. I found out a sneaky adult toy store in my town, and told my friend about it. So excited! We just want to know what it’s like. No more explanations 😀

PS: Curious assholes cannot be cured.

Him and Her

He did not give a fuck about time

He walked and ran as he pleased

He did not know if he was young or old

He lived in the shadows of tomorrow

He lived in the bright lights of yesterday

His present mocked him

He did not give a fuck about time, and time cheated him

But that was only time’s imagination

And time was only evoneyone else’s imagination

And he was only her imagination

Who was she?



It’s funny. Weird things are funny. Say for example, what and how people think about weeping, getting angry, showing jealousy, and emoting such emotions.

People think that a person needs to emote, show what they feel, to let things out, to be classified as humanely warm. Which is absolutely fine. But they think, if someone cannot be seen emoting, they are cold-hearted. Which is again okay. What beats me is that, people love to see you cry, to see you angry, to see you getting jealous. It is almost like it gives them some kind of sadistic pleasure. It makes them feel smug. Many instances.

Some days ago, I was having my breakfast in my room, and saw my friend amble by. I called her to join me, and we started having seemingly deep conversations in the middle of the breakfast for no fucking good reason. Forget about the conversation. She said things like
– you should share stuff about you. My reply – If I would feel the need to share with YOU, I will. I do not currently.

– I share things with you. Why can’t you? My reply – There is nothing to share with you really.

– Why are you so cold-hearted? Bitch. My reply – I am not. Go leave me and my breakfast alone. Get out of my room.

She does not take me seriously because she probably thinks that I am not capable of anger, and keeps eating. It is partly my fault, because I tend to laugh when angry.

Second example, is that of my own mom. She is a highly sensitive woman with dams behind her eyes. She cries easily, for the silliest things. I hate to see her cry, and always lighten her mood whenever I can. I also make her understand about why not to cry for futile things in life. You know, with the passing years, your parents become your children 🙂 But then she finds it disturbing that I do not cry. She started fighting with me because I do not cry! I was in utter disbelief, and told her that the next time I feel like crying in front of her, I will go to the toilet and cry, and never cry in front of her.

And then I have some friends who have been glad to see some tears in my eyes, at some point in time. They go so far as to remind me, with a smug smile on their faces. It is sickening.

Anyway, the point is, seeing someone cry does not mean the person is profoundly sad. Seeing someone not cry does not mean the person is devoid of emotions. It’s just how they choose to display their emotions, and when. I would cry in front of a hundred people, if at the moment I feel like crying. Just because a couple of friends are sitting and discussing relationships randomly, which leads them to cry and lend shoulders, does not mean I would do the same. I do not feel a thing worth crying about then, and I choose not to cry. As for anger, I hardly ever get angry. But when I do, I can show it in the most brutal ways. And sometimes I may just laugh when I am angry, which is lame. Some people don’t get jealous because they are not insecure. They build relationships on the foundations of extreme trust, and there is no need to be jealous. If someone leaves, there is no need to be jealous. There are people who just get highly disappointed, but never get jealous. I have no clue why most find it unacceptable. Not that I care. Some of my friends think I float on a narcissistic cloud because I do not fuck around in parties, like they do. I am not judgmental when they do things unlike me, and they should not be too. I want to slap some definitions, like that of demisexual, on their faces. But all I do is, avoid parties unless it is with some really special friends, for special reasons. Some people just do not want to trivialize their emotions, by emoting them forcefully, when there is no need to. Also, they do not want to make an activity like crying so grandiose, that seeing someone cry can only be the acceptable way of categorizing them as humane and warm.

Here are my emoticons to convey my feelings, as I am too lazy to emote them myself

madcryevilsadCrying emoticon for facebook


Cool emoticon

It was too late, after so many passing seasons. It was too late, after all the sanity, all the madness. It was too late the day their eyes met, outside the bus. She had imagined their entire lives together; it was too late. It was unreal. It was life vs doom. She had no choice, because it was too late. She had no choice, because she did not want anything else. She had no choice, because she did not mind that it was too late.

Blessed be the one

The birds fly away ruthlessly, with a mission. Their flapping wings mock me, for my dreams. I dream once again, though. Of a soft pillow, upon which I sleep peacefully. Under the star and the moon. The star close to the moon, but only close enough to make it more beautiful.

Blessed be the one who lives on a mountain, to cry a river
Blessed be the one who lives by a sea, pining to reach the sky

Blessed be the rich one who knows not what hunger means
Blessed be the poor one who knows not what food should taste like

Blessed be the one who looks under the carpets and in the corners for reasons
Blessed be the one who asks a hundred questions, not seeking an answer for any

Blessed be the one who kills and looks his victim in the eye
Blessed be the one who loves but cannot say it out aloud

Blessed be the one who sees white as white and black as black
Blessed be the one who sees all the greys and more than that

Blessed be the one living in blissful ignorance
Blessed be the one who is cursed with knowledge

Blessed be the living, the dead, and the unborn