Calm incoherence

There is incoherence. Not the disturbing kind. I think.

I wake up because of a nightmare, which does not startle me. And that is what startles me. Every morning, I wake up with one among these – hope, smile, love, pain, fear. But today, it was none of these. I woke up with emptiness. The most dreaded feeling. I am kind of used to it, because I have felt it so many times before, and so I realize when it’s struck, and I can talk about it with ease. Struggling for the right emotion can be more difficult than struggling for the right words, but I want to write. Fucking write. Because last night I wanted to write something nice, but I postponed it for today, and look what game procrastination played with me!

There are days when you wonder – why does that unwanted ray of hope show up to stunt me? how can you feel joy, conjure it out of thin air? how much is too much pain, just how much? You have wondered about these things so many times before, and when you get an answer, it’s a numbing slap across your face. Like today. When you do not feel anything at all.

Your room is messy, very messy, and accept it, a bit unclean. But you don’t bother to get up. Your harmonica that got delivered yesterday sits there prettily. You were going to start practicing from today, but you let it sit there. Someone can pile up all your budget clothes that you have loved so much and burn them, you won’t feel a twinge of pain. Someone can pick up all the colours your dad sent you for painting, and flush them down the commode, and your eyes won’t water. Someone can steal away all the gifts your loved ones gave you, and you might just keep staring at the empty space it created, something similar to what’s inside you. Such a numbing slap on your face.

You ask yourself – is this not what you wanted? For eternity? To not feel a thing? And I curse myself. I do not want this. But my feeling is not strong. Because I cannot feel anything strongly now. I know this is temporary. The sigh of relief is not strongly felt too. I tell myself, that this is my mind’s self-defence mechanism, to protect itself from all the trouble that I give it. You know, my mind has a mind of its own 🙂

Here, listen to the song that I have been listening to since morning – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yFTvbcNhEgc&feature=kp

 

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