Dr. Siri: Ace! So tell me, what’s one of those days like, Blah?
Blah: What ‘one of those days’?
Dr. Siri (very impatiently, but in a calm tone): How do you feel?
Blah: I feel alright. Why?
Dr. Siri: I don’t think you feel alright. (Her voice raises a bit.) You told me you are not sure how you feel because it is ‘one of those days’ you are going through!
Blah: Ah! I see. I am sorry about the confusion, Dr. Siri. Yeah, I don’t know how I feel (nodding his head sideways).
Dr. Siri: Sooo..What’s one of those days! (Dr. Siri really hopes and wishes that this is the last time she has to ask this question. She had not hoped or wished for anything so strongly ever before.)
Blah: It’s the time when I think. Think a lot. If I look at a mirror, I see myself staring blankly at myself. When it’s not one of those days and I look at a mirror, I don’t stare at myself blankly.
Dr. Siri: What do you think about?
Blah: Hmmm…I am full of thoughts, but there’s a void inside. An absence of someone. An absence of some sort of warmth. But it doesn’t make me sad. It sure doesn’t make me happy. It’s good enough to keep me content. I don’t feel like filling that void with anything. I am happy for it to be there, for it to be existing always. I acknowledge its presence on very few occasions, and I understand I like it.
Dr. Siri (gravely): Go on, Blah..
Blah: I feel less love for anyone. Not that I hate them. But I become indifferent. I feel not warm, not cold, not even dead, but callous. I am not sad or dejected. But neutral. I feel detached. I am alone, and I like it that way. And I don’t feel like I need to tell this to anyone. There is not one person who comes to my mind when I think – is there anyone I can tell this to? When I figure out that the answer is a ‘no’ I don’t feel bad. In fact, I don’t feel like there should be anyone. What would you call this, doc?
Dr. Siri: When did you discover that you could feel like this?
Blah: Goes back a long time. I never really talked much. I mean, I opine a lot, I have great friends, I chat, etc. But, I don’t share. Quite some time ago, in fact, when I was in my teens, I found out that no one cares after one point. I don’t too. After one point, whatever you say to anyone is pure blab. Every human is innately selfish and rightly so. So am I. And so, it’s pointless telling everything. It’s useless, waste of time.
Dr. Siri: What makes you think so?
Blah: I tell someone not because I am looking for a solution, an advice, or for them to be able to judge me better. I tell a friend just because I would sometimes like to know that there’s someone who simply knows. Nothing more, nothing less. But if there’s going to be unsolicited advice, judging, leaking, ignoring, etc. I am happy to just be.
Dr. Siri: But they care!
Blah: Not after a point.
Dr. Siri: Have you shared with anyone else that friends? (Dr. Siri is careful in choosing her words).
Blah: Yeah, my girlfriend. We used to share everything. Our thoughts and feelings. It was lovely.
Dr. Siri: I am sorry. When did you break up, if I may ask?
Blah (quite irritatingly): We are very much together, and in love. It has been 9 years. What makes you think we broke up, doc?